And This Is Why You Don’t Wax Yourself!!!!!

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One Woman’s Tale of Woe

“All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of

easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and

now…the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully

in my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing

kit out of the medicine cabinet.”

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub

the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them

apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the

hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I

am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius

kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

(“Cold wax,” yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the

skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best

feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side

of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and

stretching down to the inside of my ***cheek (Yes, it was a long

strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision

returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the

strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I

think I may pass out…must stay conscious…Do I hear crashing

drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has

caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip… There’s no hair on it!! Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see

the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am

touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of

my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped

up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot

down. DANG!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! ***?? Sealed

shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do

and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My

head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot

water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,

immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently

wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom

of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt

cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had

cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had

convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation

starter- “So, my *** and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of

the tub!” There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks

for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants

to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or

hole or who-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the

rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax

off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie

goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot

water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike

and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress

counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I

really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my

friend. It’s sooo painful, l but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It

works!!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs

up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to

my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF

IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by

now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……”

…..and this is why you use an esthetician to wax your body parts!

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